OH GOD! OH GOD! Just practicing.
42342 Greatest Jokes of All Time
By Jokeio Team
Here's our list of the greatest jokes of all time! Grab a cup of coffee and start scrolling because we'll have you up all night reading our jokes!
3.
Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).
Cats, like their nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a variety of odors... from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember... your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.
So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.
Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you .... you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.
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First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
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A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
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Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No ... blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
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Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
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Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire... the cat barely notices you anyway.
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Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom .... speed is essential. In one single liquid motion .shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.
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As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
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During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slide down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.
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Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
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Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat . reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
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If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.
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Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
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In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.
5.
A drunk phoned the police to report that theives had been in his car.
"They stole the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal the radio and even the accelerator." ,he cried out.
However before the investigation could start, the phone rang again with the same voice, "Never mind.", he said with a hiccup, "I got into the back seat by mistake."
6.
A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.
The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.
The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.
The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven."
7.
Door lock
Issy drives his friend Hyman to the shops
in Golders Green. As they get out of the car, Issy locks the doors in such
a hurry that he forgets to remove the ignition key first.
"Oy vay," says Issy.
"Why don't we get a coat hanger to open
the door," says Hyman.
"No, I don’t think that’ll work," replies
Issy, "because passers-by will think we're breaking into the car."
"OK," suggests Hyman. We can use a penknife
to cut the rubber seal around the driver’s door, then I can stick in a
finger and pull out the key."
"No, absolutely not." replies Issy. "Passers-by
will think we're stupid for not using a coat hanger,."
"OK," says Hyman, "you’d better think
of something else and quick. It's starting to rain and your sun roof’s
still open."
10.
A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof.
When the fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and the Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket.
The brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick.
The firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the redhead to jump.
"No way! I saw what you did to my friend." exclaimed the redhead.
"I am sorry" said the Chief, "My wife was a brunette and she divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problems with redheads....jump it's your only chance."
So the redhead jumped. On the way down 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she hit the pavement like a tomato!"
The firefighters again held up the blanket and the Chief told the blonde to jump. The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival was to jump.
"No I am not jumping. I saw what you did to my two friends."
"I'm sorry" said the Chief, "I explained what happened to the brunette and when the redhead jumped we were a little distracted. It will not happen again, just jump!"
The blonde thought for a moment. "OK I'll jump - but first I want you to lay the blanket on the ground, back away, and then I'll jump into it."
15.
Old Seamus Flattery is upstairs dying and the neighbor women are
downstairs with Seamus' wife cooking for the wake. The neighborhood men
are out in the back passing a pint and the irish priest is coming every three
hours to say the rosary.
But old Seamus comes out of his coma and calls weakly for his wife:
"Johanna, Johanna ... "
Downstairs one of the ladies hears him and says to Johanna: "It's
himself, he's calling for you."
So, Johanna climbs upstairs quickly and comes in the room.
Johanna: "Oh Seamus me darling what it is?"
Seamus: "Is that a ham I smell cooking down there?"
Johanna: "Oh aye it tis indeed - a fine big ham."
Seamus: "And did you put the cloves to it and cover it with mustard?"
Johanna: "Oh aye, its just the way you like it."
Seamus: "And would you be after cutting me a small piece?"
Johanna: "Oh Seamus you always was such a joker - we're saving the ham
for your wake!"
16.
A woman was shopping in a fairly nice dress store. Trying on a dress and liking it, she asked the salesman the price. When he told her she launched into a tirade about prices these days, covering just about everything from housing to auto tires.
After ten minutes or so, the salesman had obviously had enuff and said, "My dear lady. If the cost of living is so high and obviously so offensive to you, why do you bother ?"
24.
House move
Little Esther is talking to her friend
Rebecca. "Have you moved into your new house, Rebecca?"
"Yes," replies Rebecca, we moved in last
Sunday."
"Do you like it?"
"Oh yes, it’s a much bigger house than
the one we had before. We all now have our own bedrooms. All except my
poor mum – she’s still in with dad."
26.
A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV - it's a microwave."
29.
Marriage
Rivkah awakens one night to find that
her husband Howard is not in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look
for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee
in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye and takes a sip
of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks tenderly,
"why are you down here in the middle of the night?"
Howard looks up from his coffee. "Do you
remember, Rivkah, how young we both were when we first started dating?"
"Yes, I remember," Rivkah replies.
Howard’s voice is brimming with emotion.
"Do you also remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my
car making love?"
"How could I forget?" says Rivkah.
"And do you remember he put a gun against
my head and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I'll see to it that
you go to jail for 30 years?'"
"I remember that well," Rivkah softly
replies, taking hold of his hand.
Howard wipes away a tear and says, "I
would have got out today."
30.
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."