Why did you drive the lawn mower over your Easter basket?
I thought the plastic grass was growing too high!
22 July 2021
291 Holiday Jokes to Get You Through the Festive Season
By Jokeio Team
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What better way to spend your holidays by reading the best jokes about the holidays instead of spending it with your family. I bet your slightly odd uncle knows a few funny oneliners.
6.
A few days after Christmas, my six year son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?""Well, what do you think?" I asked him.He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"
8.
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.""Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."(pause)"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss.""That's not why it's there."(pause)"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?""It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
26.
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?""They're Carol's."
28.
Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn't buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl.
'You're getting your Christmas present a week early this year,' her mother explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. 'Is that what you want?'
The little girl said, 'It's wonderful, mother...just what I wanted. There's just one thing wrong!'
'What's that?' her mother asked.
'Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and another little claw on the inside of every paw - but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws!'
Her mother smiled. 'Don't worry, Kitty. When you wake up on Christmas morning you'll find the claws are there.'
Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worried about the claws in the middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasn't even a hint, a clue or an inkling of claws in the middle of its paws.
When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still no sign, Kitty went to her mother and asked again, 'Are you absolutely sure that the kitten will have its middle claws tomorrow? There's only a few hours to go and there's not a hint or clue or an inkling as to claws as far as I can see.'
'Wait till you wake up on Christmas morning,' her mother smiled and went on stuffing the turkey.
So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. When she woke up on Christmas morning she ignored the presents in her stocking and rushed downstairs to look at her little kitten.
She was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if by magic.
Kitty rushed to her parent's bedroom. 'Mummy, Mummy! The kitten has grown its middle claws!'
'Of course it has,' her mother grinned.
'But how did you know?' Kitty demanded.
Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, 'Oh, Kitty, everybody knows that Centre-claws always comes at Christmas!