585 Doctor Jokes to Tickle Your Funny Bone

Psychiatrist to patient: "You have nothing to worry about - anyone who can pay my bill is certainly not a failure."

Why does the gynecologist/doctor leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no-one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe
stuttering problem.
After a thorough examination, the doctor consults
with the patient.
Doctor: 'It appears that the reason for your
stuttering is that your penis is about six inches
too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal
cords, and thereby causing you this annoying
problem of stuttering.
Patient: Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I
dddo? (Doctor what can I do?)
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a
minute and states that there is a procedure where
we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by
removing the six inches from the penis and freeing
him from this horrible problem.
The patient stuttering badly states that this
problem has caused him so much embarrassment as
well as loss of employment that anything would be
worth it.
The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation
is a success and six months later the patient
comes in for his check up.
Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I
have not stuttered since the operation. I have a
great job and my self esteem is fantastic.
However, there is one problem, my wife says that
she sort of misses the great sex we used to have
before the extra six inches were removed. So I
was wondering if it is possible to reattach those
six inches.
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a
minute and says:
I dddoonnn?t ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould
bbbbee possssssibbble.

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John
suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in
and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.
He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as
he is OK.
Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is
that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses,
since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a
normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have
saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died.
David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please

Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of
the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly," he
explained, "pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and
castration!"
"Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration?
That's absurd!"
"Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just
suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

"Gave me a longer cane."

A man walks into a doctor's office with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a grape up his nose. Confused, the man asks: "Doctor what's wrong with me?" The doctor looks at the man and replies: "You're not eating properly!"

A man visits his doctor.

"I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls
has turned blue."

The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would
die if they didn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such
a thing to me?"

"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient
had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the
operation, he came back.

"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue
too."

Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other
testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant.
"Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to
agree to the operation.

But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the
doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now
completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the
bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go.

Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to
die?", asked the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?"

"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."

So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the
unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."

"What?"

"Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"

So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and
says, "Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......"

You know you're a nurse if...
You find yourself checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery waiting lines.

What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste.

You know you're a nurse if...
Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.

One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better
see a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in
the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper
than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and
it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It
only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine
sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in
the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird
nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small
slip of paper printed. It said:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labor,
it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete
began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and
deposited $10.00. The machinhe again made the usual noise and printed out
the following analysis:
Your water is hard,
get a softener.

Your dog has worms,
get him shots.

Your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic.

Your wife's pregnant,
it's not yours,
get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.

You know you're a nurse if...
You've basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

Three men were playing golf. A docter a vicor and an Engineer. In front of them was a group of people who were playing the worst round of golf you have ever seen.

So the doctor and his friends go over to the course owner and says "Whats wrong with them?"

The owner replies, "They're blind, I'm only letting them play because I feel sorry for them."

The Doctor says "I think I've heard of some laser surgery that might help them."

The vicor says "Well, they're going to be in my prayers tonight."

The engineer says, "Can't they play at night?"

While giving a physical the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with dark bruises.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?" "Neither," said the man. "My wife and I play bridge."

You know you're a nurse if...
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.

A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of
his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was
touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves.
One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of
cooling water, then dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove
was then thrown in a finished products box. The dentist's patient was
disgusted by the lack of care taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting
to keep all the patients he could, the dentist didn't mention how they
made condoms.

A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor
invites her in to sit down.

"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious
problems."

"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my
child and I'll love it regardless."

"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs."

"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless."

"And it hasn't got any arms either."

"What?"

"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In
fact, your child is only a very, very big ear."

"Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it.
I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it."

"Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf."

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he
set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the
farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful
daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I
wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do
with your broken leg?!?!?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me
what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

Are you old enough to remember these roadside messages?

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma-Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma-Shave

BROTHER SPEEDERS
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING NURSE
Burma-Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND LOTS MORE STEER
Burma-Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A
WARMER HEMISPHERE
Burma-Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma-Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY--SPLIT
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma-Shave

PASSING CARS
WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE
MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE
OF ETERNITY
Burma-Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma-Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma-Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY
Burma-Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma-Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN
HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
**Burma-Shave

You know you're a nurse if...
You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

Nurse: No change yet.

A girl goes to the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor.

"Oh my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never
takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she
takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor.

"Oh my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never
takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she
takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

She replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, why do you
ask?"

Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.